I have a trauma in my past.
And unless I've singled you out as one of a few trustworthy people, I'll never tell you exactly what it is-- or even anything more than the phrase above. Even if you invite me to speak, I'll quickly defer: "I don't like to talk about it."
I developed PTSD-- post traumatic stress disorder-- and because just one person was good enough to look at what I was suffering, I was diagnosed. But I quickly found that by telling others my story, I opened myself up to withering glances and a glassy-eyed lack of understanding that quickly turned hurtful, even if my listener had no such intentions.
It's quite common for survivors to downplay their own traumas-- so many other people have it so much worse, we think, and all that happened to me was [fill in the blank here]. It could have been [insert worst case scenario here]. But trauma is trauma, and what may devastate one person can have not much effect on another, and vice versa.
But I won't tell you what happened to me until you prove that you're capable of not judging the specifics of the event, but rather its effect.
The people I have been working with have shown this to me-- they take the time to look beyond the surface elements, and gaze deeply into the person's psyche. They speak matter-of-factly about trauma and its effects on those involved, no matter the cause. And for that I am deeply grateful.
For every time they respected another's trauma, they respected mine. Every time they were gentle with another scarred soul, they were gentle with mine.
Palliative care is not only about healing the dying and their families. It is also about healing ourselves.
2 comments:
I got here through a comment left by hummingwolf in a friend's livejournal. I just wanted to say this entry speaks to me. I've got a raging case of ptsd and it is bad enough that I'm considering applying for disability, but the specter of going through social security's "process," in which they question everything about your reality, is daunting. needless to say, the US is not interested in helping people, really. I find that my own culture seemingly would be happy if I died on the street as long as I never presumed to ask anyone for help.
I have a therapist who is my anchor. she is one of the good ones and quite possibly saved my life. you all who work with trauma, psychological or physical, are lights in some very dark worlds.
I'm sorry people judge you on the basis of whatever happened to you.
Hi eriktrips, welcome. I'm so glad you found a therapist you trust. It's awfully hard to trust people sometimes, so even reaching out for help can be hard.
I'm also sorry for the judgment you face. You're right, our culture doesn't really care much what happens, and asking for help is so very stigmatized. But there are those of us who do care-- you've found one, and I've found some too. And all we can do sometimes is try to make it easier for other people to ask for help.
Post a Comment